The Art of Patience and Compassion: 3 Mistakes I Keep Making and 5 Ways I Continue to Try to Master Them

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​With everyone still mostly cooped up due to the pandemic, I’m seeing more and more people frustrated from feeling trapped indoors.  In fact, right here in my own home, after almost a year of staying home, I find myself truly longing to escape to a solo retreat somewhere.  It’s not that I don’t love my roommate (who also happens to be my mother).  It’s just- the truth is, living with and caring for family members, especially elderly loved ones, requires an enormous amount of patience and compassion, and sharing spaces all day these days just seems to exacerbate this situation.  

Early in my life, when I faced different trials, I would think “I’m being tested here.  My patience is being tested, and I’m supposed to learn from this.  At least I’m building my patience level.”  The thing is- I know I learn and grow from trials, but I’m not sure I can ever truly achieve consistent patience.  At the core of my being, I’m an impatient person.  It’s just who I am, and after all these years of “being tested”, I’m still as impatient as I was when I first thought “I’m being tested.”  I have, however, discovered ways to proactively practice patience and compassion (because I think these two go hand-in-hand), especially when dealing with the elderly. 

Here are a few ways I admit to losing my patience with my mother:
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1. I use the word “remember” when I respond to a question.  Years ago, I made the mistake of saying something like “Remember, we talked about this in the meeting on Wednesday.” to my boss (who happened to be a generation or two older than me).  She quickly responded harshly with “Well, clearly I don’t remember, so tell me again.”  It was then I knew I’d embarrassed her.  Instead of showing compassion and grace for this woman who was overwhelmed in her role and finding herself struggling with her memory, I highlighted the issue for her.  I continue to accidently lead with “remember”, but I almost always catch myself and quickly follow-up with kinder comments.
2. Not truly listening when my mom talks to me.  My mom is a great storyteller.  She was a fourth-grade teacher for years and was known for reading great stories aloud to her class.  Sometimes, when she’s telling me a story, I tune out the details and start thinking about my to-do list.  One day I’ll miss her stories and her devotion to details, and I’ll wish I could hear just one more long story.
3. When I catch my mom doing something I deem unsafe, I often quickly jump on her case.  Nothing sets me off quicker than catching my mom lifting something too heavy or balancing awkwardly on a ladder.  This reaction stems from a place of love and concern for my mother, but I admit I’m not always kind in the process.  Instead of showing some compassion for her desire to do the things she used to be able to do with ease, I can quickly make her feel inferior.  I would never hurt my mother intentionally, so why am I so quick to chastise her in these situations?

 
Here are five ways I consciously attempt to master patience:
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1. Remind myself I’ll be there one day.  One of my 25 Tips for Dealing with Aging Parents is to stay conscious of your loved one’s pride.  I try to remember that aging folks “don’t want to be this way”, as my mom often reminds me.  So, I actively try to put myself in her shoes because I will, after all, be in them one day.  In doing so, I try to relate her actions to my own.  Am I frustrated with her for not wanting to drive somewhere in traffic?  Yes.  Can I think of a time when I was afraid to drive for whatever reason?  Absolutely!  Tropical storms and I have a history, and I have my own issues of driving in a hard rain.  Give your loved ones a break and show some compassion for their situation.
2. Pause.  Breathe.  Think before I speak.  I’m usually in go-mode trying to write, run a business, and manage a life, and I don’t always stop and think before words fly off my tongue.  When I toss my words out in haste, they can seem harsh and unkind.  I do not want to be known as an unkind person, and I certainly don’t want to be unkind to my mother, whom I love dearly.
3. Embrace/practice gratitude.  I recently heard someone discussing her older mother and how she had begun talking more (as so many elders do).  She stated she was always quick to interrupt her mother’s detailed stories about her dog, neighbors, etc.  She realized that when she herself was a child, she talked incessantly (as most kids do), but her mother always let her ramble.  In fact, her mother had listened to her for her entire life.  Her mother had always been there for her.  So, this woman decided to start actively listening to her mother’s stories- all of them, without interruption.  She realized it is the least she can do to honor her mother and all the times her mother had patiently listened to her.
4. Actively listen and engage.  I find when I catch my impatience creeping up, I do well to throw myself into the conversation or situation.  By actively listening and focusing on the current situation, my brain automatically calms me down and realizes I’ve decided to just “go with it.”  I usually leave the situation in a much better mood than I would if I’d allowed my impatience to drive the situation. 
5. Retreat.  Separate yourself from the situation.  Run an errand alone.  Go read in another room while they watch TV.  I’ve found when I kindly excuse myself from patience-testing situations, I’m always better off for it.  You rarely offend the other person, and they honestly probably appreciate the alone time, as well.
   

How about you?  How do you attempt to master patience?

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